OK, just being honest… I’m feeling a little down and even a bit useless today. Maybe it’s the remnants of Tropical Storm Arlene thundering across Nashville, maybe it’s because Patti threw her back out and is literally crawling around the house, maybe it’s because we are frustrated that we haven’t had a single meeting for Soultuary yet. I don’t know if it’s any one thing. I’m just feeling a little beat down and disconnected this morning. I expect it to change and hope it will soon… I really don’t like feeling this way.

With Patti’s back being out, we decided to stay home and not go to church today. It’s taking her about five minutes just to ascend the stairs. I can only imagine how much of a struggle it would be for her to get into the sanctuary at church, although, it would have been a good thing for her to get prayer for her back. Somehow, I can’t picture her crawling to the front of the church! If you are reading this now, maybe you could lift her up in prayer. The kids and I prayed for her last night and continue to do so, but still no relief.

To be frank, this makes me feel pretty inept. We want to reach out and help others, yet it seems that there are so many times that we ourselves are in need. I can only feed myself the “this will help you relate to others” line so many times before it starts to taste like crap.

Maybe this is why a need for real community has been burning so hot within us lately. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some great relationships through the years, and there are several people here now that I think of as friends. But, aside from my wife, I don’t think I really have anyone that I feel I can really truly lean on right now. Someone who knows me, who knows when I’m not being 100% honest, masking my feelings, hiding my fears, burying my dreams. And again, I long for this type of relationship, because I want to be there for that person (hopefully those people) too.

Does anyone else feel like this, or I am just having a self-serving pity party here?!

I decided to do a little word search on “relationship” in scripture and found myself drawn to Romans 14:1-23, which states in v22, “Cultivate your own relationship with God, but don't impose it on others. You're fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent”. Not exactly what I was looking for, but it did kinda slap me in the face…

I know I need to further cultivate my relationship with God. Maybe I’m feeling down today, because I’m focusing on me and not on Him.

And yes, there are things that I see in my life that don’t line up with my beliefs. I prayed over my wife last night, but was honestly hopeful that my kids would have enough faith to see her healed, because I didn’t think that I possessed that kind of faith.

God, I beg you – FIX ME!!! I don’t want to feel so broken and insufficient for Your use. I say that I’m willing… help me to step out anywhere that You open a door.

I’m listening to a mix of different tunes here on my computer as I blog. A song just played that totally expressed what I’m feeling; it’s Relient K’s “More Than Useless” off their CD “mmhmm”. Check out the LYRICS and I think you’ll see what I mean.

Well, I've gotta run to the store to gab some bread for lunch.

Later-
Ray

¶ 6/12/2005 10:30:00 AM

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